5th of August - Arrival

I am in Istanbul now and just like in Riga I have 1.5 hours to spend in the airport. Two flights done, one ahead. Actually it is more comfortable like this, last time when I had two long flights and a long layover in Prague's pointless airport it sucked. Early in the Estonian dawn my brother drove me to the Tallinn airport and he could still not understand why I had to go, where do I get the money and so on.

'There is nothing wrong with traveling, but you shouldn't do it while you are still in schools. Like middleschool, highschool AND university'

And when I explained how this is my last chance to 'get lost' like this for one year as I want to start a family after my Master's studies, he replied:

'Yes, this is all very dramatical, but I still don't see why you have to go. You could just work here in Estonia for this year'

Oh, little brother, will you ever understand me?

Tallinn airport has become very dear to me. Can you imagine, just a year ago I flew to Lisbon from here, just as unsecure as I am now. It was the first time I flew alone and I was terrified of the flight change in Copenhagen (and it was scary) Now I am so used to finding my way in airports that the past me seems ridiculous. Independence level upgrades so fast that it is a bit sad even. There is less room for excitement and adrenalin that comes with new things. I'll be fine no matter what.

I don't care anymore if my seat in the plane is by the window (tho is was for all 3 flights) Ok, maybe I do care a little. Istanbul from the air didn't seem to be this magical place that I've heard so much of that it is in my must-experience cities' list. From up there it was just a desert full of houses. And I couldn't even distinguish the old town. I'm sad that all that I could experience was the airport. So close, but couldn't reach. This time.

In Nicosia. Last flight Istanbul-Ercan was nearly as short as Tallinn-Riga. Seeing Cyprus fromt he air made me feel good and I could recognize the places I had been to. Stepping out from the plane I was taken by incredible heat (just as in Istanbul) though I had changed clothes. I started in Tallinn in jeans and sweater, now I was wearing a dress. In passport control line I met an Iranian guy who had come to the casinos and he offered me a ride to Nicosia. Why not, I thought, since he seemed to be a gentleman. In limousine-taxi they started with their pre-party and I was given several snacks and drinks to take with me before I left. 'No thanks' was not an option. Leaving the taxi I had to walk a lot before making it to the Ledra street 'border' and there was Yiannis, my first CouchSurfing host to take me to his place.

It is about 8pm and I am mourning my sleepingbag which has been lost during the flights. The first night is a bit sad, but I'm hoping it will soon get better. I miss home and feel a bit stupid. It doesn't feel homey at all in here tho it's nice. I should have gone to Roger's where I already felt like home the last time.

Today I have been living in the moment for the whole day, but this moment arrived just now. The arrival moment. Finally I am in it with my body, mind and senses. Talentwise today has not been so productive and I have not yet received any important looking messages either. In the pain sector it is balanced - didn't create new and didn't lose the existing one. I lost something material instead - the sleepingbag - and I am trying not to feel too hurt by it. On a ten-hour trip one can think a lot and I think I managed this pretty well. 'Think less, feel more' <- another goal.

5. august - Saabumise tund

Olen nüüd Istanbulis ja nagu Riiaski, on mul siin aega umbes poolteist tundi. Kaks lendu on möödas, üks veel ees. Tegelikult on nii isegi mugavam, kui eelmine kord l2bi Praha minnes, kui oli kaks pikka lendu ja pikk ootamine v2ga m6ttetus lennujaamas. Hommikul s6idutas vennaraas, kes peagi pesast v2lja lendab minnes Tartusse Ülikooli, mind Tallinna lennujaama, ikka veel mitte m6istes, miks ma pean minema, kust ma selleks raha saan ja nii edasi.

'Reisimine on ok, aga seda ei peaks tegema koolide ajal, nagu p6hikool, keskkool JA ülikool'

Ja kui ma seletasin, et ei saanud magistrisse sisse ning see on ilmselt minu viimane v6imalus aastaks niimoodi '2ra kaduda', kuna p2rast magistrit soovin hakata pere looma - ja kuidas ma siis lahkuda enam saaks üksi kellestki s6ltumata ja keegi ei s6ltu ka minust?

'See on k6ik v2ga dramaatiline, jah, aga ikkagi ma arvan, et sa ei peaks minema. Miks sa lihtsalt Eestis ei v6i töötada see aastake?'

Oh vennake, v6ib-olla tuleb aeg, mil sa mind m6istad?

Tallinna lennujaam on mulle v2ga meeldima hakanud. M6elda vaid, alles v2hem kui aasta eest lendasin ma siit suunaga Lissaboni poole samamoodi ebakindlana ja esialgsete plaanide kohaselt aastaks. See oli esimene kord, kui üksi lendasin ja ma t6siselt kartsin vahemaadumist Kopenhaagenis (ja see oli ka t6eliselt hirmus). Nüüd olen nii harjunud uue pardakaardi v6tmisega ja oma terminali ning v2rava leidmisega, et aastatagune mina n2ib v2ga naeruv22rsena. Iseseisvus kasvab nii kiiresti, et see on isegi natuke nukker. J2tab v2hem ruumi erutusele uute asjade ees ja adrenaliinile, mis tundmatusega kaasneb. Ma saan alati hakkama.

Enam ei hooli ma, kas mu iste on akna 22res v6i mitte (seekord oli k6igi kolme lennu puhul). Olgu, v6ib-olla natuke ikka hoolin. Istanbul 6hust ei tundunudki selle maagilise paigana, millest olen nii palju kuulnud, et see on paigutunud mu 'peab-kogema' linnade listi. Ülevalt oli see lihtsalt üks suur majadega k6rb. Lennuk tiirutas selle kohal üsna pikalt enne maandumist ja ma ei suutnud kuidagi eristada 'vanalinna' k6igest muust. Eeldasin, et ju see kusagil vee 22res on. Kahju oli, et k6ik, mida ma l2hemalt kogeda sain, oli lennujaam. Nii l2hedal, aga siiski k2ttesaamatuks j2i see linn. Seekord.

Nicosias. Viimane lend, Istanbul-Ercan oli pea sama lühike, kui Tallinn-Riia. Küprost 6hust n2ha oli hea tunne, suutsin eristada paiku, kus k2inud olin. Lennukist v2lja astudes rabas mind sama kuumus, mis Istanbuliski, hoolimata sellest, et olin riideid enne vahetanud (alustasin p2eva varahommikuses Eestimaa karguses kampsuni ja pikkade pükstega, Ercanis maandusin juba kleidis). Passikontrollis oodates sattusin vestlema ühe iraanlasega, kes töötab Saksamaal ja on tulnud siia P6hja-Küprosele kasiinosse raha maha m2ngima koos s6pradega. Uurisin lennujaama töötajatelt busside kohta, aga iraanlane ütles 'no problem, you come with us, we take you to Nicosia' Kuidas saingi ma tasuta s6idust keelduda, lisaks tundus ta h2rrasmehena. Limusiin s6itis ette ja 4 rahvusvahelist s6pra alustasid oma eel-peoga. Minnes pandi mulle veinipudel ja sn2kke kotti ja 'ei, ait2h' ei sbinud vastuseks. Pidin üsna pikalt tapvas kuumuses Ledra t2nava 'piiripunktini' jalutama, kuna limusiin-takso ei mahtunud vanalinna piirkonda s6itma. Seal ootas mind Yiannis, mu CouchSurfingu host, et mind enda juurde viia.

Kell on umbes kaheksa 6htul. Leinan. Sest magamiskott, mille viimaks ema südamerahu p2rast kaasa ikkagi v6tsin, on lendude k2igus kaotsi l2inud. Esimene 6htu on veidike kurb, aga eks l2heb paremaks. Igatsen koju tagasi ja pean ennast üsna rumalaks hetkel. Vööras on siin korteris, kuigi ruumikas ja lahe, ikkagi vööras. Oleks ikka pidanud Rogeri juurde esmalt minema, oleks juba tuttavlik olnud.

T2na olen terve p2eva 'hetkes elanud' Ainult, et see hetk, milles ma elasin, j6udis kohale alles nüüd. Saabumise hetk. Niisiis, l6puks olen ma totaalselt praeguses hetkes, keha, m6istuse ja meeltega. Talendi poole pealt on t2nane muidugi vaene olnud. Ei ole veel ka ühtegi t2htsana n2ivat s6numit saanud. Valu-sektoris on asjad tasakaalus - ei loonud juurde, ei kaotanud olemasolevat... Kaotasin midagi materiaalset see-eest - magamiskoti - ja üritan olukorrast üle olla. Reisides kümme tundi, v6ib üsna palju aega m6tlemisele kulutada. Arvan, et sain h2sti hakkama. 'M6tle v2hem, tunneta rohkem' <- veel üks eesm2rk.

4 of August - Hitting the Road

Now I have made the first step (they say that only the first step is difficult to take?). I started hitching from Kuressaare around noon, nobody wanted to give me a lift. In 45 minutes I got lucky enough to catch a ride with a friend of a friend from Muhu and he dropped me off at the harbour. I missed the ferry by two minutes, so here I am enjoying the August of Estonia, which is by far my most favourite month with it's thunderstorms and falling stars. And yet here I am, leaving with a vague longing in my heart, uncertain when will be the day of my return.

My kind of clear goals to achieve on this fuzzy journey:

1. To live in the moment

2. To find my talent

3. To be opened enough to receive the messages people have for me

4. Not to create new pain and to let go of the accumulated pain from the past

Those may seem ridiculous for you, but I suggest these books before you make a judgment: James Redfield 'The Celestine Prophecy: an adventure' and Eckhart Tolle 'The power of now'. To be read in that order :)

4. august - Teekond algab

Nüüd olen ma esimese sammu astunud (r22gitakse, et vaid esimene samm on raske?). Alustasin h22letamist Kuressaare ringilt, keegi ei tahtnud peale v6tta. L6puks 6nn naeratas ja sain ühe Muhu poisiga sadamani (kuna meil oli üks hea ühine tuttav, viskas ta mu 2ra) Praamist j2in maha ja nüüd istun siin Kuivastus, naudin Eestimaa augustikuud, mis on mu lemmik oma 2ikesetormide ja langevate t2htedega. Ja ometigi lahkun ma siit just nüüd mingi uduse igatsusega rinnus, teadmata, millal on naasemise p2ev.

Minu selged eesm2rgid udusel r2nnakul:

1. Elada hetkes

2. Üles leida just minu anne

3. Olla piisavalt avatud, et v6tta vastu s6numid inimestelt, kes mu teele satuvad

4. Mitte luua enam uut valu ja lasta lahti ka kogunenud valust

Nende Sinule ehk tobedana n2ivate soovideni on mind viinud j2rgmised raamatud, mida ma v2ga soojalt soovitan kogu inimsoole: James Redfield 'Taevane ettekuulutus: seiklusjutt' ja Eckhart Tolle 'Siin ja praegu: kohaloleku j6ud'. Lugeda just selles j2rjekorras :)

1 of August - packing for unknown time and unknown places

It was impossible!

- 1 self ..................................61,8 kg

- 1 towel

- 3 blouses

- 2 sweatpants

- 2 miniskirts

- 1 long sweater

- 3 sleevless shirts

- 1 shorts

- 3 dresses

- 1 pair of jeans ................... 67,6 kg

- 4 pairs of socks

- underwear and swimwear

- supplies for looking gorgeous

- 2 belts

- little backpack

- 2 shoes ............................ 69,4 kg

- 1 sweater

- 2 dresses

- 1 'thing' .............................71 kg

- 1 scarf

- 1 jacket

I start writing my travel diary being at home. My thoughts are already in the wide world. Yes, now it is a trip, not anymore moving to another country. A trip, where the only certain thing is the fact that I have a oneway ticket to the island of Cyprus. The rest is obscure into which I have decided to jump. I am so nervous and excited, and terrified at the same time.

It becomes more real by the minute. Today I did some checking for the weight of the bag, of course I have already reduced the amount of things like 3 times, still I have to leave so much important things. Like closed shoes for instance! I could actually take all what I want to Cyprus, but if I decide to use Ryanair to fly to the next location on Map Europe it is good to have the luggage less than 10 kg. Probably the size of the bag is an issue too, solvable with a smile at the airport I'm hoping. Again - should I take the sleepingbag with me for emergencies or not? To hope that there wont be any emergencies at all? Oh.

1. august - Valmistumine määramata ajaks määramata kohtadesse minekuks

Pakkimine selleks ettev6tmiseks oli, te ei kujuta ette, KUI keeruline.

- 1 mina ......................................61,8 kg

- r2tik

- 3 pluusi

- 2 dressipüksid

- 2 miniseelikut

- 1 pikk kampsun

- 3 maikat

- 1 lühikesed püksid

- 3 kleiti

- 1 teksad ..................................67,6 kg

- 4 paari sokke

- pesu ja ujumisriided

- hügieen, meik, ehted

- 2 vööd

- v2ike seljakott

- 2 jalan6ud ..............................69,4 kg

- 1 kampsun

- 2 kleiti

- 1 h6lst ....................................71 kg

- 1 sall

- 1 tagi

Alustan oma reisip2evikut alles kodus olles. Mu m6tted on juba laias maailmas. Jah, nüüd on see reisimine, mitte enam kolimine. Reis, milles on kindel ainult see, et mul on üheotsa pilet Küprosele. Ülej22nud on tundmatus, millesse ma vabatahtlikult-sunniviisiliselt olen otsustanud hüpata. Olen ülımalt 2revil ja erutatud, samas surmani hirmul.

Minek muutub üha reaalsemaks. T2na tegin kotile kaalukontrolli, loomulikult olen pagasit juba 3x v2hendanud, aga ikkagi ei mahu k6ik kaasa, mida tahaks v6tta. Küprosele saaks iseenesest terve elamise kaasa v6tta, aga kui sealt mingi hetk Ryanairiga edasi lennata, on 10kg piirang. Ja ilmselt mu backpack ei vasta ka m66dult normidele, aga selle probleemi saab ehk lennujaamas naeratusega lahendada. J2llegi - kas v6tta magamiskott h2dajuhtudeks v6i mitte? Loota, et h2da ei juhtu? Oh.